Ok so I haven’t been that good at Substack. In my defense….a doctor once told me I have ADHD. We all know doctors make stuff up, though. My attention is AMAZING. I once spent three whole days researching guinea pigs. In that time I forgot about a midterm, but that’s none of your business.

The good news is that I’v been working on some books. They are for kids and adults.

I’m most excited about the Roblox-themed ones. Not all kids like to read so writing Roblox fiction book might help some of you guys out.

I also finished writing six books for Penguin/Waterhouse. I can’t remember if I’m allowed to announce those yet so I won’t. They’re about a kid in middle school who is kinda rambunctious but means well. Like David in the Bible minus Bathsheba. Those are coming out soon.

So books about Roblox and middle schoolers who might need an IEP.

What’s on my mind this week? Snacks mainly. The photo above is from here and I wish we could have that for dinner. My mom is unfortunately on a “health journey” and is making pancakes out of protein power and egg whites.

Your prayers are appreciated but your DoorDash credits are appreciated even more.

I already talked to CPS and there’s nothing they can do.

Apparently forcing your child to eat pasta made out of lentils is not a crime, it only feels criminal.

That’s fine, I know how to make quesadillas in the microwave. I just didn’t think I’d be ON MY OWN this early in life. You take the hand you are dealt. Thankful for grandma for being a normal human being and sending me granola bars with chocolate chips.

Anyway, my books are coming. Thanks for being PATIENT with me.

love, HT

Oh yeah, three reasons I’m not good at Substack:

1. General Hunger

2. Attention Span

3. Lentils and the spiral zucchini pasta thing

Every teenager goes through the hardship of a Roblox ban. Nobody plans for it. Nobody thinks it will happen to them. But you get a little heated in the chat and BAM you’re out.

Here is how to help your teenager through this truly difficult time.

1. If it’s a 24 hour ban, your teenager will suffer withdrawals. Try to have their favorite drink on hand. It might be Gatorade, a Starbucks Dragonfruit Refresher, a Boba, or Sprite. You should really know your own child by now. Also, food would be so nice. Any snack, really. Snacks not ingredients. Raisins aren’t a snack, they are a reminder that you are extremely passive aggressive.

2. Hugs and kisses. Not from you. From your checking account. Help your teenager feel better with money. It doesn’t have to be a lot. Maybe $40 to browse the mall for awhile? $40 is an excellent deposit for a nice hoodie. You can pay the balance when you come into the store. You are beautiful.

3. Attention. If your teenager is a middle child, try talking to them about something other than their older or younger siblings. What if you had a conversation with your middle child teenager about something other than what they should change in life? A talk with a 30-minute lecture or advice would be amazing.

4. Understanding. During the Roblox ban, your teenager’s behavior might be unpredictable. Not being able to play Grow a Garden, Adopt Me, etc. is distressing. Please don’t get your teenager in trouble over a slammed door or maybe some light sassy behavior. We are always mad and it’s hard to be nice when things keep going wrong.

5. Robux. If your teenager got in really big trouble and ended up with a permanent ban, the only way you can truly help is Robux. Please don’t be cheap. Pretend it’s for your firstborn.

With some sensitivity and kindness you can help your teenager navigate this painful time with ease and come out a stronger person.

Apply yourself!

love, HT

The last month of school is merely decorative. You don’t have to go. There are a lot of events. You don’t have to go. There are tests. You don’t have to go. There are activities. You don’t have to go.

Five Tips for Surviving the Last Month of School:

1. Go Home: After lunch on a regular school day learning barely happens. During the last month of school, after 1pm everyone literally sleeps at their desks. You know another great place to sleep? Home. Pick up your teenager.

2. Opt Out: You’ll be asked to participate in many events and days where people wear special clothes, have special hair, and bring all kinds of random crap. Only do it if you want. No one’s keeping track. Block the school’s emails and their IP.

3. Bare Minimum: If you do have to participate in a bake sale or something similar, bring store bought items. Nobody wants to eat things from your kitchen anyway. We all have TikTok. We know how some of you live. We are scared to eat your food. Get factory sealed cupcakes. Just do things at a normal level and not for your Facebook friends. You don’t even like those people.

4. It’s Not That Deep: There are some tests at the end of the year. I think they’re called “finals.” If it’s so final, why do they have them every year? It’s not that serious. I learned all I could and no “final’ can be the judge of that. I’m going to be YouTuber anyway. Let’s get into vacay mode.

5. Relax: Chill for once. Not even the teacher are really trying to be at school right now. You don’t have to do all the things on the calendar. A lot of people don’t know this, but most schools are powered by panic attacks. Fight the man and get boba instead.

xo HT

IMAGINE: It’s Friday night and you’re wondering what you’re going to do tomorrow. You don’t have any plans because you’re 40. You have no friends. You lack energy. Life force is lower than ever. Wait! You have a teenager! This means your life still has purpose.

Without your teenager, your Saturdays would be full of empty activities like taking collagen and stretching. Now you can explore your city and sharpen your driving abilities all while investing in the next generation.

Driving your teenager and their friends around says, “I handle my responsibilities and love my child.”

If you spent years reading your child: “I love you forever, I like you for always” but can’t spend eight hours at the mall & getting food, you might be a liar.

Here are Five Perks To Being Your Teenager's Unpaid SILENT Chauffeur:

Activity:

Driving, walking, spending money- these are all forms of movement/lymphatic massage. You are getting healthier by the second by getting out of your comfortable chair and in the driver’s seat. The mall we want to go to is 40 minutes away.

Excitement:

It’s sad to me how big of a role Netflix plays in your life and daily conversations. You need to get around real people. Let’s get chicken tenders two cities over.

Supporting the Economy:

Care about the community. When you buy boba you are actually buying ballet shoes for a child of a local bubble tea cafe owner. When you drive, you are putting food on the tables of construction workers who mix concrete in our zip code. When you get me a hoodie, you are supporting hoodie farmers in our neighborhood. Wow.

Love:

You carried me for nine months. What’s one more weekend? I’ll be ready in an hour. Please don’t talk to my friends.

Exposure to youth:

I’m not a scientist, but spending time with teenagers is more effective than retinol. We keep you young. You get to learn our language and eat our culture’s delicacies (Takis). Let our youth permeate the environment and fill in your fine lines.

Can’t wait to see you all day tomorrow (or the back of your head anyway). Bring your money, pls. You can play your people’s music. It’s actually not that bad. <3

Free post. All posts going forward will be free. The old ones will stay paid bc people paid for those and a lot of my paid subscribers look violent. I see you guys complaining about the prize of 12 eggs (LOL SMH) and that you guys really seem like you need something to take your mind off of things while planning my next birthday on a yacht like I asked. If you want to pay anyway to add to my Moving Out Fun, that’s great, too. The sooner I can get my penthouse the better.

Five Ways to Know the Portal Hates and is Personally Attacking Your Child

It’s a well known fact that school portals hate most kids. You might be asking yourself, “Does the portal hate my child?” Great question. Thanks for being curious and HUMBLE. If your child has a C average or lower, the answer is yes. 100%.

Sign #1: Constant Bad News

Is the portal always sending you threatening notifications like, “There are missing assignments” “Submit assignment today or else” and other common snitchery? Wow. The portal is trying to rip your family apart and leave your child an orphan. The only thing stopping your child from ending up like Oliver Twist is blocking the school’s IP address. I can teach you how. Reach out.

Sign #2: Ungraded or Under-graded Assignments

A wise man who graduated from college once said, “There are no bad students, only bad teachers.” So if your child gets a D on a worksheet, we know who deserves the blame. Also, something a lot of people don’t know about portals it that they can distort reality. Like DRUGS. Your child could have an A in the spirit realm but the time it gets to your eyes on the portal screen, it can look like an F-. Optical illusion. If you want to know your child’s true grades, just ask them! Go to the source not a wicked third party.

Sign #3: Stress

Check in with your body. How does the portal make you feel? Bad! Why would you spend time with something that affects your health bar like that? Do you want to get sick? I’m not wishing that on you, but portals emit 65% more EFTs than regular devices. Toxic all around. Why do you take all of that electrolyte powder if you don’t care about your health. Are you a liar?

Sign #4: Gossip

Gossiping is a crime. It’s a form of bullying! Portals love to tell people things like, “Your child was absent” and “Your child has 18 missing assignments” but it never says where it got that information from. Trusting a portal to give you a good information is literally crazy. You’re crazy if you do that.

Sign #5: Liar

Portals don’t tell you when a teacher has not graded an assignment yet. All it tells you is that your baby child is evil. Why would you let someone slander your own blood? The portal updates once every six weeks or so. Who knows what is true and what is just a computer telling a bold-faced lie? Turn off the portal notifications.

I wrote a poem about the school portal that I’d like you to read.

People over portals.

Humans over electricity.

I was your child from the start.

Why would you choose a machine over me? (over me rhymes with electricity)

I thought you loved me

cap

Don’t open that email

It’s a trap

Love: it’s the best aroma

Delete the portal

let’s get boba

Thank you for reading and changing. I am going to do some homework after this game.

xo HT

Dear School Portal,

I don’t know what you have against me, but it seems like it’s personal. I’m doing my best. My absolute best. But obviously you want to see me fail.

What do you want?

Complete assignments? Before the due date?

Stop talking crazy. First of all, I don’t know what’s due and I certainly do not know when.

Why?

That’s personal. Why don’t you ever ask questions like, “Can I turn this F into an A?”

You could change my life by moving a couple decimal points here and there but you’re SELFISH.

Also, STOP EMAILING MY PARENTS!!! Nobody gave you legal access to my family. You are ripping my life apart with your baseless accusations. I know you love doing the teacher’s dirty work and for that I hate you.

How do you know if I’m missing assignments or not? Maybe I turned them in IN PERSON. You don’t know what that means because you’re a machine.

Did I hand them in?

No, but I could have and you wouldn’t know, you ugly invisible robot.

I would unplug you if I could.

Do you ever take days off? Nobody wants your notifications.

Has anyone ever told you snitches get stitches? Well, portals get chortled. That means choked, I think. I don’t know I have a D in English.

Long story short, I need you to take a break. Power down while I get my life together.

Don’t make me release a virus into your dumb self.

I’m literally on thin ice, please.

Turn off for like two weeks. Or mark all of my assignments as complete, your choice. Bonus points if you can give me a B+ average.

Thanks so much.

xo HT

Teenager to English Translator:

Teenager ———————————→ English

I’ll do it later.——————→ LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!!!!!!

Yes, I cleaned my room.——————→ I hid everything.

I did my homework. ——————→ I don’t know what my homework is.

The portal hasn’t been updated. ————→ An F in this class is a real possibility.

Can you drive me ____. ——————→ I’ve already publicly announced your participation in this event.

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1. I’m not mad at you. Well, I am. But I’m not. But I am. The same way I was the worst, most volatile version of myself when I was a toddler…yeah I’m doing that again. Why? Because you’re my safe person. Congratulations.

2. I have no concept of money. So I’m going to ask for pretty much everything I can think of that I want. No, I don’t expect you to really b…

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The holidays are coming up. Here are twenty easy and KIND ways you can show your teenager you care.

1. A condo across town

2. A car (Tesla)

3. $500 Sephora gift card

4. MacBook Pro

5. new iPad (the one I have isn’t working since I ran it through the washer and then the dryer on high)

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Here are the reasons I’m angry today:

1. We have nothing to eat. Sourdough bread isn’t food. No one under 85 says, “I’d like a snack, you know what sounds good, a slice of fermented bread.” BUY HOT POCKETS. I have accepted that I have been born in an ingredients household but that does not make it any easier. No fruit snacks, no chips I like, just tortillas and almost expired crackers. I’m literally starving.

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Dear mom,

I admire how you got the house all cleaned before Sunday afternoon. You look cozy and ready to relax. Good for you. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your time getting ahead is not going to waste. The bad news is that you’re looking more and more beautiful every single day which is going to make your friends jealous. Slay queen!

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I’ve been thinking about some things and have compiled a list of genuine questions for you. I am NOT having an attitude. I simply want to know. Please do not take any of these questions personally or accuse me or being hateful, negative, or rude. All of these questions are asked with the utmost of respect.

1. Why are you so annoying?

I actually want to know. Is it to make me mad? Did someone annoy you as a child and now you are passing on the trauma (do u want to break the cycle)? Are you being paid?

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It happens all the time. You can see that I’ve got something going on and ask me if I’m OK. “What’s wrong?” I say “nothing.” I might even get mad LOL.

The day goes on. I’m quiet and irritated through dinner. After eating I go straight to my room. Later, I mumble goodnight without looking at you because your face is infuriating me. You think the next time you’re gonna see me is the next morning.

Then. SURPRISE! At 11:45 or midnight, I make my way into your room. "Are you awake? Can we talk?”

You look a little tired but since you are legally responsible for me and I’m the reason you breathe plus your purpose for existing, the wind beneath your wings really, I don’t hesitate to disturb you at this hour.

Why do I do it? Why do I wait until you are ten minutes to REM to tell you what I’ve been holding on to all day?

Here are three reasons:

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You don’t need to go to the parent teacher conference. Why? Because teachers are liars. Who are you going to believe: your sweet baby or an agent of the state?

Instead, I’ve written a detailed report for you on how I’m doing in school. Spoiler Alert: GREAT

Name: Me

Date of Birth: Hopefully you know this

Subject: School progress report.

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Dear parent of a teenager,

Remember when we were little and were always after you? We wanted to be with you all the time. We wanted to sit on your lap when you were on the literal toilet.

We wanted to tell you every single thing, especially if you were on the phone (how dare you?). We always had a gift for you: a rock, stick, picture, or craft of a piece of paper taped to another piece of paper.

You were the first person we thought of in the morning and the last person we longed for at night. We chased you.

Things have a changed a bit. We have our own lives and people. We tell you some things, but not everything anymore. Sometimes we want to be in our rooms for longer than you’d like.

We’re our own people now.

I have a secret for you.

It’s your turn to chase.

Don’t give up even when we roll our eyes and resist family time.

Chase us.

Don’t give up when we answer with shoulder shrugs and grunts.

Chase us.

Don’t give up when we don’t want to go to the family thing or say something spicy.

Don’t give up when we act like you’re the most annoying person in the world. I mean, you are a lot of the time, but it doesn’t mean we don’t need you desperately. And I don’t mean just for your debit card.

Being mad for reasons we don’t understand doesn’t mean we don’t like you.

Chase us.

We might not have any crumpled up crafts for you, but we still want to talk in the car over ice cream. We like how you look at us like we’re #1.

We still love how your love feels. Cozy and comfortable. It reminds us of simpler days when things were easy to figure out and all you had to do to in school was color. Most of our best memories live in you.

So even if we act a lil funny, remember: it’s not that deep. You’re not so bad.

Chase us. Ok?

love. HT

(this isn’t license to hug us in front of school or anything, relax)

Also, back to school night is coming up and you may hear some blatant lies about me, pls remember this post.

Going back to school after a dentist or doctor’s appointment should be illegal. The fact that you would even consider it shows your lack of commitment to your child. But that’s ok, like your unhinged opinions on screen time and what counts as a passing grade, this too can be fixed with effort.

I have to go back to my “job.” No, you actually don’t. Are they going to come find you? That’s what I thought. It’s just like when that broke lying thief wanted to show Princess Jasmine a life (of poverty) she didn’t know.

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, pookie, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

Now clearly, Aladdin is talking about drugs, but all I want to do is get boba. And a trio with fries. Isn’t it time you lived a little?

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I am not against apologies, it’s just that I rarely regret the people I've slapped (verbally or physically). Even if I am sorry, I might not say it because I don’t like how I’ve been asked (TOLD) to apologize. But I’m not too dumb to know apologies are a part of life and sometimes you have to make people feel better about the true stuff you said.

Teenagers do feel the emotions like regret but sometimes we don’t want to say the words we’ve been forced to say since we were two. “SAY SORRY".”

It’s your own fault that we hate those words. From being forced to apologize to the loser toddler at the park to having to say it to our siblings even though they have needed every single smack on the head we gave them- a lot of us can no longer apologize on command.

Here are five ways teenagers say sorry even though we don’t like or want to.

1. Hanging around. Sometimes the sorry gets stuck inside of us and the best we can do is stay close to you and hope you feel it. Can you feel the sorry in the air? Can you decant it from the atmosphere like rain from clouds? Can you sense it? No? Maybe try harder. We can’t do everything around here.

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Since I’m feeling nice and I know you like to talk about how UNAPPRECIATED you are, I’ve decided to do the world a service and tell you the five secret ways teenagers say, “I love you.”

Teenagers are not ungrateful. We are, in fact, super appreciative and know where all the good stuff comes from. Grandma. But you are also doing your best. Here are five ways teenagers say, “I love you.”

1. Following you around. When your teenager follows you around the house you should be happy. Not everyone gets to have their own personal domestic stalker watching their movements as they walk through their home. Sometimes we revert into toddler-mode and want be with the life giver, deal with it. It’s “I love you” expressed through physical proximity. Let it warm your soul. What room are we going to next?

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Have things been difficult with your teenager lately? Chances are it’s your fault. Being in school, dealing with teachers, homework, other kids, and parents who can’t buy good snacks to save their lives is HARD. Your teenager might feel moody from time to time. Your first instinct may be to give another one of your hour-long speeches in response to a simple question. WRONG. Nobody wants to hear those.

Here are five easy ways to show your teenager you love them and enhance their mood today.

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Officially, school in session from 8am-3pm. But I have a secret for you: you can pick up your sweet baby anytime! Wow! What great news!

Yes, it’s true. As a parent, you have the legal authority to come get me after lunch and recent studies have proved this is beneficial. Which studies? I don’t have them on hand but you can trust me.

Picking up your teenager shortly after lunch has many emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, and even academic benefits.

1. It shows you actually love your teenager. Nothing says “family time matters” than picking up your child at 12:20PM with a boba and chicken fingers. Build trust and show love isn’t just a word to you. Imagine if you also brought honey mustard and bbq sauce. Wow! A+ parent! Pick me up.

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